When you think all is well...

I think my posts in Twitter and Plurk are very good indicators of what my mood exactly has been yesterday (and carried over today). Yes people, it ain't so great. The most frustrating thing is, I'm normally a happy person. Heck, I even smile when I'm mad. That happy. But, some things take a toll on you, you know. Let me indulge you just a bit because I don't want you to keep guessing who I am referring to or what the whole fiasco is about.

I never thought I was as good as how people describe me. I probably am the toughest on myself. But somehow, getting compliments from people who have worked with you during the most difficult should at least account for something (right?). And of course, naturally, you take those in to level up your self - confidence. You may not actually believe them but nonetheless, it gives you hope for something greater than you can imagine. However, when faced with a difficult situation, without taking those compliments into account, you know you screwed up. But knowing that people think you're good, you see hope in the torment of it all, just to realize that it would have been better if you just remained pessimistic because the results are truly disheartening. And now, you're back to zero. No confidence, no people to tell you you're good because you blew their initial thoughts of you which were truly high expectations. Yes, zero. And it's sad. I'm sad. Especially if you learn that people of your past made it and you didn't.

It takes time to recover from something that blows your ego to tiny little pieces. When something challenging comes up, you back down because you think you are bound to fail here on forward. You try to take a deep breath but voila, the confidence is lost and it won't be back any time soon. So, you tuck yourself in one corner and stay there with the darkness fearing all the lighted opportunities to come. Ok fine, I haven't stayed there for long. Another opportunity came and I took it promptly. And yes, prompt did me no good. My paper never reached the other end, those who submitted later got a nod. When you thought the early bird catches the worm, na-ah, they don't anymore apparently. So now, a late person gets the privilege pass (yes, privilege is the right word because for that person there's is always a plus 1 or 2 chance) and you don't even get a first look. Again, it blows, hard.

And then, to save yourself from further humiliation, you flee, to hopefully a land with greener pastures, a place where the sky is the limit (well, that's what you think). So, you take on an adventure in the unknown and take a risk, in hopes that in that new place, you get to have a second shot at the things you initially didn't here. However, you've exhausted all means to capitalize on the "better life" but came out short AGAIN so far. There's hope hopefully when you get there but you, yourself aren't so sure anymore. That's, still, to a certain extent, pretty sad. And so, I'm left sad.

But since this blog is created for the adventure I'm about to take, I say this as a bottomline: Finding a career is a humbling experience: you get challenged, declined and rejected but there's still always something else: a different perspective, another opportunity, a chance to take life and things less seriously. When we get beat up for one thing, eventually, we'll get a free pass on another. Okay fine, I don't really believe those words but the fact that they popped into my head means that these words are worth something. If not for me, maybe for you. I hope this helps.

I refused sleep's offer today so later this evening I could sleep away til my flight day. Because I'm sure, my excitement will get the best of me.


Stick with me 'til next time,
Blabberbelle